My review of the "DeLox" Panama Passover 5 star Health Retreat

Before I begin my review please note:
Thank you Hashem that we had the privilege of going away.
Thank you Hashem for keeping us healthy and returning us home safe.
Thank you Hashem for the good times we shared with our family.
Thank you Hashem for the new people we met and connected with.
Thank you Hashem for the incredible trips and adventures.
Thank you Hashem for our new Panamanian friends.
Thank you Hashem for all our blessings.

OK, now that we have that out of the way…let’s begin.

Passover and weight loss is generally not uttered in the same sentence. In fact since the beginning of time, or at least since Pesach programs were invented, it is known that one is guaranteed to return at least 5-10 lbs heavier. Eight full days of round the clock eating along with a disruption of your usual exercise routine and lots of yom tov days is the perfect recipe for diet disaster. This is why the DeLox Panama Passover Health retreat was the perfect choice for those looking for an adventurous memorable experience while losing weight.

My family signed onto this program without even realising it was a health retreat. Lured by a beautiful description of a 5 star Pesach program featuring a renowned top international chef on a slick website with 3 good reviews (in retrospect all written the same day) we went in confident we knew what we were getting into. In fact some of the most discerning families were going which assured us it was a sure win.

The advertised description of the program.

We began to suspect this was different than all other programs the moment we entered the beautiful hotel starved and tired from our long journey and was greeted with a tin pan of egg salad sandwiches with the crust cut off. We quickly understood that calorie conservation was going to be the theme.

Our swag bag filled with mosquito spray and hand sanitiser had no snacks in it which made complete sense in retrospect, yet still we were not aware of just how ingenious the organisers were until our first Seder.

Generally the Seder is what kicks off the traditional food binge and subsequent food coma all of us who attend Passover programs are accustomed to but in this case the Seder was our boot camp for what was to come.

It started innocent enough with the usual Seder plate and matzah but when we noticed no karpas (potatoes) and romaine lettuce we knew something was up. The genius behind this program was that they gave us (family of 25) only one waiter who also had other tables therefore we not only got served our main close to midnight but often sat for over an hour waiting while half the table was served. By the time we got it we were so hungry and upset none of us could eat. It also didn't help that it was inedible. For those of us who are more the active types we resorted to trekking to the kitchen ourselves to get our food. The walk back and forth helping the poor struggling waiter most certainly burned additional calories we didn't consume. A win for those trying to maintain their shapely figure.

The near identical appetiser served both nights... lox covered egg salad and just plain lox... was so creative and unique that most of us preferred to just stare at it in admiration rather than eat it. The soup... which tasted like hot water, Osem soup mix and a rock hard matzah ball for those lucky enough to get one, taught us the old trick that if you want to avoid eating something simply pour an entire container of salt in it. And regarding the desserts, the culprit of most weight gains, well let's just say the delox retreat guarantees you won't even think of eating one by making them as unappealing as possible. A banana split in half sprinkled with Cinnamon and a scoop of slimey rubbery ice cream, a piece of store bought cake covered with booger like green florescent slime and green tinged applesauce with chocolate pudding are just a few of the delicacies you will not want to eat. No doubt it was a good decision not to hire a pastry chef. The organiser saved money while we saved our hips and thighs.

Speaking of green, while many of the foods seemed to have that color including the turkey cold cut I attempted to eat at the kiddish, the one thing this program did not serve a lot of was actual greens, as in salads. Most of our sit down meals consisted of no veggie side dishes, a strange thing considering it's a health retreat. We could only conclude that perhaps greens go with dressing and dressing means calories and the point is to reduce calories. We also had no access to ketchup, the only thing that may have saved some of the tasteless dishes. It's clear it was because ketchup is all sugar a big no no if you want to lose weight.

Let's talk about the tea room, the greatest source of weight gain on programs. The tea rooms of past programs we have attended was the social hub thanks to delicious array of pastries and chocolates and snacks not to mention cappuccino machines. Starving guests after a full gourmet meal congregate yom tov afternoon in tea rooms throughout, fressing and schmoozing while killing time before the next meal. Not so on DeLox Passover retreat. They designed it to be as unappetising as one can get with tiny bowls of nuts, loose stale potato chips, occasional melted chocolate balls when we were lucky to get them and endless boxed macaroons that constantly ran out. While none of these are healthy per se, the second you look at the sad display you walk right out, saving you hundreds of calories.

Once you survive the first days, thrilled that your pants still fit, you get to go on exciting Panamanian adventures throughout the week that you paid for. Do not fear, the program provides boxed lunches. One example was a few tiny schnitzels with celery and carrots. We were so excited to finally have something seemingly indulgent when we realised the schnitzel we were eating actually had no chicken in it. We are still trying to figure out what it was.

Now, you may be tempted at this point to complain to the owner a man who ironically goes by “Shem Tov”. Don’t worry that's not his real name. His name is Yair Vasershten (or Wassershten) and he purchased this name recently from a previous renowned caterer named Shem Tov who ran great non dietetic programs for years in southern Chile. This explains the confusion because many of us thought we did our research and little did we know we were researching a totally different company. The new Shem Tov is clearly all about diet and health and even refused to hire renowned caterers from Panama that were suggested to him while the old Shem Tov had a solid reputation for good cuisine. In any case try to avoid confrontation because it is clearly just your hunger talking. However if you must approach him with any complaints or criticism, he will immediately shut you down and make you feel like you are crazy or spoiled. This method is extremely effective and will assure you continue on your weight loss journey successfully.

Yair Wassershten (Vasershten)

Breakfasts are the same daily. The choices displayed in the big aluminum tins are ready made eggs, soggy pancakes, fall apart blintzes and of course endless lox which they recycle throughout as appetisers and kiddish fare. The choices don't seem dietetic however after seeing the same food every day, majority tends to avoid it all together and stick to basic matzah with butter and coffee. Yogurts are usually a healthy choice. In this program they serve it exclusively in individual tiny open plastic cups so that you don't eat a full actual container thereby ingesting too many calories for the day. They sprinkle unappetising green colored toppings on it as well so that you think twice about even eating that. This method pushes you to skip breakfast all together thereby saving your calories for the delicious lox appetisers later on.

There was one night when they introduced us to the vegetarian lifestyle. The choices that night consisted of potatoes with cheese, Gnocchi potatoes with cheese, another green gnocchi potatoe with cheese and eggplant with cheese. We asked the staff why there was no fish since we thought that was a healthy choice only to have them roll their eyes at us. Duh... vegetarians don't eat fish! A desperate hungry man insisted on getting fish and was given a cold slab of salmon in a Styrofoam container. Leftovers from lunch.

They also made certain to serve all chol hamoed dinners outside at the exact time the mosquitos (otherwise known as noseeums because you simply do not see them), were out in full force. The act of itching and twitching also burned extra calories. But do not fear, the entertainment which was surprisingly good was always indoors because hey, you don't gain weight from watching a magician so no need for extra calorie burning activities. If only that magician could've made the food magically more tasty. Oh well.

Another tip.. if you have young children under 12 this program is not for you. Aside from the fact that children so young should not be dieting, this program was not designed to cater to the palette of young children. After a rocky start of no kids food and dozens of furious warrior moms demanding they serve French fries instead of potato chips as a side for the kids meal, the program eventually acquiesced and replaced the chips with soggy limp greasy fries. If you dare show up 30 minutes past the kids dining hour you risk them running out of kids food all together leaving your kids with nothing but lox and salty meat. Unhappy kids equal unhappy hangry moms, a dangerous combo. There was some comic relief our very last Shabbat meal when spotting kids food being served to select tables I stood up and with my loudest voice called over one of the haggard waitresses who spoke no English. I mimed to her my desire to skip the adult food I knew would be vile and provide our table with only the kids food. From afar it looked semi decent since it was a piece of schnitzel with a small bowl of chulent. How proud I was when my entire table nabbed the kids entree. How shocked I was a few minutes later when it turned out it was not the kids food but the actual adult food. My daughter spitting out the chulent and saying it tastes like body odor was another comedic moment. (Ps. Laughter burns calories too).

Once you survive chol hamoed and look forward to the last days, you will see the food get sparser and sparser and they start running out of things like matzah, another brilliant move considering your stomach has now shrunk. Once again the meals consist of no salads and mainly very salty meat and potatoes. In fact we actually found the missing karpas (plain boiled sliced potatoes) at Friday night's meal when it appeared as a side dish. Too bad the Romaine was still missing in action because we were plotzing for a salad. Any salad. Even one without dressing would do.

Another method they use is to only have one station for 350 people so that by the time it's your turn you lose your entire appetite. They did this throughout all the buffet meals as well as the final meal after Passover, an event when most people tend to stuff their faces after being Chametz deprived for so long. Why would you want to gain back everything you lost by pigging out on pizza. The lines are genius and they made sure the pizza was not great should you bother waiting an hour.

Now all these methods listed are effective and guarantee a modest loss, but this program has one more trick up their sleeves. While I cannot be certain how they did this and whether it's the lox being recycled for 8 days straight, the food sitting out in the hot muggy air or the Panamanian water, but pretty much 80% of the entire programs participants developed some sort of stomach issue. Without getting graphic, it's equivalent to getting a colonic but without having to swallow any vile drinks prior, unless you count some of the desserts and the inedible chulent. The 80% experiencing this stomach situation are so afraid of eating anything other than bananas, they tend to be most successful on this program.

Now of course if you choose to go back to your old ways, (like we did the second the holiday ended by ditching the programs pizza party and running straight to the nearest Panamanian restaurant), you will sabotage all your hard work and possibly irritate your already battered stomach (true story). All that hard earned money you spent trying to lose weight will be for nothing and you might as well have gone to another program where food is actually delicious, copious and plentiful and the service is superb. So my advice is to learn from our mistakes, stay away from good restaurants and head straight home with an empty stomach, proving to your envious friends that you survived Passover and could still fit into your clothes with room to spare.

Remember to never forget the lessons of this retreat for your daily life back home and you too (with the help of filters) can look like your favorite supermodel one day.

To learn more go to www.pesachPanama.com if this site still exists.

Ps. On another note Panana happens to be an incredible place to visit. If you aren't interested in diet programs you can find another Passover program that's more traditional with an authentic Panamanian caterer that has a real Shem Tov. Make sure you do your research extensively. Panama is known for it's great cuisine. Better yet come during winter when you can eat in the over 30 incredible kosher restaurants and stay in magnificent affordable hotels while touring some of the most incredible sights. Best part you avoid the rainy season and mosquitos the month of April is known for.